Take the Cape Off

Some people spend their whole lives holding everyone else together. Jennifer Ward's work begins the moment they finally set that weight down.

A licensed social worker and bereavement counselor, Jennifer came to this work through the loss of her grandmother, the matriarch of a family of fifteen. She sits down with host Chance for an honest conversation about grief, faith, and why the hardest conversations about aging and the end of life are so often the ones we never have, especially in the Black community.

Together they get into the fear that keeps families from asking for help, the silence around mental health, the grief that arrives long before a loss, and what changes when we lead with life instead of leading with the word hospice. Jennifer's invitation is a simple one: you can take the cape off here.

For anyone who has ever had to be the strong one. This is a place to put it down.

Transcript

Jennifer Ward 0:01

Black women in particular have had this cape that they've been wearing, and oftentimes, like my grandmother was the matriarch of the family. Sometimes we put on these capes even at our expense. And so getting counseling or getting help is not something that um we do.

Chance (Host) 0:22

And I I came into this work from the outside. Before I walked through the doors at Hospice of the Chesapeake, I didn't think much about the end of life. I didn't think of grief as something you could prepare for, or about the choices a person gets to make when the end of life is finally in view. And like a lot of black families I know, mine never really got the chance to. Our losses came fast and unplanned. They came wrapped in something closer to trauma than to preparation. So when I sat down with Jennifer Ward, I wasn't only a producer with a microphone. I was a black person trying to understand why the hardest conversations in our community are so often the ones we never have. This is to no ends. This is episode three, Take the Cape Off. Jennifer is a licensed master social worker. She grew up in Boston, moved to the DC area to be closer to her twin sister, and spent years in aging and disability resources. But the road to hospice work started somewhere more personal. It started with the woman at the center of her family.

Jennifer Ward 1:47

So I was working for Fairfax County government and working in the aging, disability, and caregiver resource department. And at that time, my grandmother, who was the matriarch of our family, when I say matriarch, meaning she has 15 kids. My mom is third of the 15 kids. And so she took ill and um went into hospice in Alabama. And I remember when she went in there, we didn't know what was gonna happen to her. We didn't know what hospice was. When they said, you know, in the South they call it comfort care, they don't necessarily call it hospice. And so I remember just the journey of watching her um, you know, like, you know, just not able to do the things that she normally would be able to do. And so um she she passed away, she died in March 2022, and I still remember that day. And at the time I was working for it, the the uh aging disability, and I just remember how hard it was for me to just go back to work.

Chance (Host) 2:51

So it's new to your family, and and you said in the South, what is it called?

Jennifer Ward 2:55

It's called comfort care.

Chance (Host) 2:56

Comfort care, which I I think is actually interesting, and uh hopefully we'll get into it because I sometimes think and wonder how the word hospice interacts with people before you even know what's going on. Sure. Kind of closes the conversation before it even opens. Um so I think that that's super interesting. But um, you know, your your grandmother is the matriarch of your family, 15 children, amazing. Um, I'm sure plenty of grandchildren. 30 plus 30 plus grandchildren, so uh an amazing legacy. Um what does you know a the death of someone like that and a family, what does that do?

Jennifer Ward 3:33

I mean, it really it's a it really shakes us because when you realize the person who was always calling you to check in on you, the reason why we would go to Alabama for the most part to celebrate her, our reunions, like the woman who, you know, even prayed for us, a woman who would like give us a lot of our life lessons, um, it it definitely shook all of us. I think even my aunts and uncles and my cousins and my, you know, other cousins, I feel like it really, and it not only that, it shaked the community in which she lived because for someone to be uh such a community-minded person, and this was for many of us our first major death, like our first like life-changing life will never be the same. So it it really um shook us, and I I think that's why I had to make sure I I do something to honor her because she did so much to honor us and her community.

Speaker 4:33

There is a virgin of that grandmother in almost every black family I know. The one who holds the reunions together, the one who prays over everybody, and when she goes, the whole structure shifts. For Jennifer, that loss became a calling.

Jennifer Ward 4:50

One thing I felt like God was, you know, I'm a spiritual person. I felt like God was like, she's in hospice, and because of her experience, which is such a great experience with hospice, I was like, I have to do or get involved with something that took care really of my grandmother, like some uh something organization that does similar things. I think I was a little scared. I think I was a little scared because um, you know, you're like, okay, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. And then I was also still grieving myself, but I was like, you know, I felt like this is the opportunity to help those because I'm in it, you know, I have the I had the social work, I do have the social work experience, the clinical stuff. And so there was no other other choice, and then also um just being transparent. I had a girlfriend who also um was like my mentor, and she was had done so much work in hospice. So she was like, Yeah, girl, you should do it. And so um having her support and and going through my own lived experience with death and hospice was definitely a natural fit. So I it was like no other choice, no other things I wanted to think about.

Chance (Host) 6:13

Jennifer started as a home hospice social worker, going into people's homes, sitting with families in the hardest moments of their lives. And she learned something the brochures never tell you. So you transitioned into working with hospice care and started doing home visits. Yes. Um, which is a, I think, one of the if not the most important sort of aspect of hospice care. I agree. I definitely it is the on-the-ground folks who are who are in the nitty-gritty with families. Um so going into people's homes with their families, very similar to the experience that you had on as a caregiver, um, what did you learn about people in those home visits that you couldn't have learned in any other way?

Jennifer Ward 6:55

Um, I think there are different things I've learned. I think one of them is that the conversation about um death may be very difficult. I think that it's very hard if you do not have the opportunities to discuss like what life is going to be like without said person. I also think there is um family dynamics. I think, you know, you realize that there might be some family challenges that were in place, but they particularly come out um at the end of life. And so that that became very apparent. I also think that um caring for someone, you know, what I learned is it's a lot of work. Um for instance, if you are a a spouse of someone and you take your vows, but you don't really realize, like to deaf to what's part, you don't really realize the how um how much of a privilege, but also how um much mental and physical it takes from you. I think I think that's really something that I learned. And then also um giving yourself permission to have those family uh conversations. I think those things really stood out to me in my journey. And then be being invited into someone's home is such a privilege and such a a personal space, and and learning how to understand their customs, the the way the family structure is, really was very eye-opening.

Chance (Host) 8:34

I want to be honest about where I'm coming from. Before this job, I only knew one thing about the word hospice. I knew it meant the end was here. That was it. If someone said hospice, I heard this is going to be over very soon. And I don't think I'm alone in that. I think the word does something to people before they even know what is happening. It closes the conversation before it ever gets to open. So when I asked Jennifer where that comes from, especially from us, I was really curious about what she would say. We're gonna talk a little bit about um the H word. So I'm I'm I'm very interested in this, um, particularly because I'm outside of the hospice world. Sure. Um and my time here has been really interesting in that I can't help but think about it all the time now and think about the different things that go into it. Aging, my choices, dignity, um, and like you said, even thinking about my own family, like you know, we've never had the opportunity to do hospice because everything's been more traumatic and not planned. Right, true. Um, and so how much of an honor it is to be able to decide, like these are the choices I want to make in end of life, and um specifically for the black community as well. Um so we've talked a little bit about this um in the the pre-interview, but I definitely want to dive into it here. But um, so folks in the black community often think that hospice is um just morphine, and of course, not just black folks, but a lot of people think this, but this is certainly something that is a is miscommunicated, I'll say. Sure. Um, but that it's just morphine, and then suddenly you're you're dead. Um so where do you think that idea comes from?

Jennifer Ward 10:18

I I think there's various reasons for that. I I would say just a um a fear of the healthcare system. I think you know, because of of historical racism and historical oppression, I think people may assume that hospice is, you know, the final, the death, like morphine, you know, take me away kind of thing. And I think a lot of it is miscommunication. Um, I also think is sometimes lack of seeing hospice providers who are people of color. I think, especially in the black community, if you you've never interacted with the hospice or palliative doctor, you know, or your family members haven't, of course you would assume that when you see hospice being called, um, you you're thinking death. And and so I think that's you know, part of its representation, part of its education, part of it is systematic stuff that's already in our in place in our society. Um, and I and I think we as black folks, we don't necessarily have a lot of conversations about it. Like, you know, we there aren't a lot of spaces to have talk about hospice. Uh, you know, for for black people in particular, the church is sort of like the place where people have a lot of conversations about death and dying and like you know, transitioning from earth to to the reward um in heaven. And so I don't think there's a lot of um conversations about it. So when when you don't, when you have lack of education, lack of transparency or lack of representation and stuff that already exist that exists in our culture because of society, of course, people are gonna always assume hospice is a negative and not necessarily a helpful thing for health care, for people, for families.

Chance (Host) 12:13

That really landed for me because black communities have already been through so much with the medical system. So a good experience with hospice isn't just welcome. For a lot of us, it's a shock. And I keep thinking about what it would mean if that stopped being the exception. There is another piece of this, and it is one I recognized immediately. It is the way we are taught to hold everything in. Keep it in the house, don't tell your business. Especially, I was told growing up, don't tell it outside of the family. Jennifer named the same thing, and then she named what it cost us.

Jennifer Ward 13:01

So, one I want to also say that um historically black folks have been less likely to talk to people about their problems. You know, it's like, you know, I know when I was raised, you don't tell people your business. You keep it in-house, and especially you don't tell white folks your business. You don't, you know, you keep, you know, you don't you don't do that. And so I I think um a part of the stigma with mental health is that growing up, or you you know, you you may not, you may have had a family member who had a mental health condition, but it was kind of treated, either they were the black sheep, or they it was sort of like something that you really wouldn't discuss. Or I'm going back to church now, you prayed away. I think, I think it's it's some of that. And then lastly, I'm always gonna go back to representation. It's very few and far between. It's getting better now, but I know growing up it was hard to find, see a psychologist, social worker, therapist, counselor, um, chaplain, even who who looked like myself or or um my family members. So a part of the stigma with counseling and getting help is um a number of things in terms that's not necessarily helpful to us. Um so yeah, I think that's some of the things I've noticed. I think now that as education and awareness and and conversations are being had, um, people are are more willing to to talk about what they're going through. But I also want to make a point that especially in my work with black women, I feel like black women in particular have had this cape that they've been wearing. And oftentimes, like my grandmother was a matriarch of the family, sometimes we put on these capes even at our expense. And so getting counseling or getting help is not something that um we do. And I and I want to also um with black men in particular too, um, there aren't a lot of spaces for black men to talk about their grief, talk about the trauma, talk about the things that they've witnessed, um to talk about death of family members. And so because of these challenges, things like hospice or things like counseling or things like mental health, um, is is definitely hard to access. Yeah, yeah.

Chance (Host) 15:22

So, what happens when that person, the strong one, the one holding everyone together, finally sits down? I asked Jennifer what her job is in that moment.

Jennifer Ward 15:31

I really think it's just giving them the space to just let it all out, but also my job is to hold space for them. Like, it's okay. Like, this is your safe place, this is the place where you can cry, this is the place where you can get frustrated, this is the place you can tell me all the things that have been on your plate, and then my job is to kind of help with your self-care, help with you getting it out, feeling your feelings, and then how do we move from a place of um connection support and getting you the tribe that you need?

Chance (Host) 16:09

Yeah, I like that.

Jennifer Ward 16:10

And I think some people just need to be heard and just you know validate their experience. Um, you don't you can take the cape off in front of me because I it's a heavy cape and it's only weighing you down. So really helping um people pour back into themselves and giving them a really safe, free space to talk about what they're going through, especially on the grief side.

Chance (Host) 16:32

Yeah, absolutely. I wanted to ask Jennifer about faith. Because in a lot of black faith communities, death can get framed as a kind of failure, like giving up, like you don't have enough faith. And Jennifer is a woman of deep faith herself. So I wanted to know how she holds both.

Jennifer Ward 16:56

I I believe in the power of miracles, I believe in the power of God's grace and in the wonderful things that God can do. Um, but sometimes it's God's timing, and sometimes you I guess you have to have people understand like this is the journey that God has you on. And while you're here on this earth, we have to take every moment to live and to thrive and to be around our families, to be around our loved ones. So I'm not gonna lie and say that it's an easy um walk or easy conversation. Um and sometimes what I have people understand is that um death is gonna happen to all of us, like Jesus died, you know. And so I just kind of remind folks that, you know, this is a part of the life journey, and you know, we we don't know when our time's gonna end, and if hospice is involved, or you know, you have to think about what's next, um, then this is a good opportunity to really think about who you are, how you want your life to be, what you want this world to look like with you, and then what do you want it to look without without you? But it is really um using faith and and letting people know once you know that the the reward is in heaven, if they are a believer in that sense, or helping them realize, you know, your your spirit will still be here, you know, help you know, making working with the you know the folks to that the spirit's still here, your physical being may not be here, but it's in another place. So it it's not necessarily it's not an easy walk in terms of explaining that to folks.

Chance (Host) 18:36

Yeah, no, I'm sure I'm sure. Jennifer's specialty is something called anticipatory grief, the grief that comes before the loss. And the more we talk, the more I realized how little room our society leaves for grief of any kind. I have felt that in small ways myself. I grieved leaving high school, leaving college, and nobody had told me that was even allowed. Jennifer says that this is the problem.

Jennifer Ward 19:02

I feel like society is very hard on grievers. I also feel like society is very death avoidant. Those conversations aren't happening in society.

Chance (Host) 19:18

So yeah, and both of those things happening are literally like the crux of the issue. Right.

Jennifer Ward 19:24

And so because of that when people are are experiencing that, or people are expecting folks to move on, or people are expecting folks generally to be um over something, the the folks need to get permission, they they they feel like they are stuck in a place, and sometimes they need to understand that it's okay. And just because you see people moving on after death, or it looks like people are moving or people aren't experiencing death or grief the same way you are, it's okay for you to sit with your stuff too. It's okay for that. So I I think part of it is we live in a society that doesn't always um make space for death, and and because of that, people need permission. They need to give themselves I always call it grace and mercy. They always have to give themselves grace and mercy to kind of sit down and just feel your feelings. And you know, I think people when people get sick, they they go to the doctor, they they do different things, but I think when people are grieving, they don't necessarily give themselves that same grace. Like you just lost your rib. I I use in my sessions I used your your rib a lot. You you lost a part of your rib, your body part, and you're expecting to go back to normal and you don't even have that heart or that rib or thing anymore. So I think just helping people normalize um that and having more opportunities for people to okay, I'm not okay. Yeah. Um but once we start creating more spaces for safety and once society gets on the same page that that grief is something we all experience, whether it's you know, and I'm gonna use grief as an example. Grief isn't always death. And I think whether it's a job loss, whether it's a health situation, whether it's moving, I think um society has to give people more understanding of what that is.

Chance (Host) 21:27

So I asked her the big one. If she could change one thing about how our communities approach all of this, what would it be?

Jennifer Ward 21:39

Um we can't lead with hospice. I think we you know what you lead with um aging, you lead with disability, you think about, you know, um you lead with older adults, things that you might have to experience, or more like a health fear. Like you you lead more with like life and and not necessarily death. I think. These conversations need to be had by everyone. These conversations need to be had in the church. It needs to be had by people in power, in our our local state representatives. I think it really needs to be a part of the conversation about life. We talk about birth, we talk about having kids, we talk about wellness, we talk about fitness, but it also needs to be a part of that standard conversation even with your doctors. I think, you know, doctors who work with older adults or even adults who have um high-risk um illnesses and things like that, I it it needs to be a part of the conversation. But I also think more education about what hospice is, what palliative care is, because more the once more people are educated about what it looks like, the conversations can be had because what happens is when people don't have a conversation about it, then they're not gonna like address it, it's not gonna come up, that they're gonna refer to someone else, and people aren't really gonna be open or transparent. So I think you lead with life first, and then you get educated on what the aspects of hospice and palliative and and things like that is, and taking care of yourself and and kind of leave with more of the gener the lifespan of your your fitness and your health or your wellness. Um, and then um more conversations, more people can really feel comfortable moving forward with what hospice is. Yeah, yeah.

Chance (Host) 23:38

Near the end, I asked Jennifer what her grandmother, the matriarch, would make of the work she's doing now.

Jennifer Ward 23:46

Wow. Um, I think she would be so um happy with her granddaughter. Not only because of I made a a life choice to pursue um hospice and grief as as like a specialty in in my career field, but I'm also able to use it with my family members. I since her death, two uh family members have passed, died. And you know, I wasn't necessarily the expert in it, but I kind of like, you know, that this this is what you might need to do, or or um, and most recently kind of like taking understanding that support might be heavy in the beginning, and then I kind of pulled, kind of checked in. But I think she would be really um happy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Chance (Host) 24:38

Really proud. Um, and you kind of answered this already, but what do you know about living that you didn't know before you started doing this work?

Jennifer Ward 24:49

Um, wow, I just it just makes me realize again that life is so short. Love up on the people that love up on you. I say love up on that's my that's my word to say love up on the people that love up on you, take care of yourself, like take take care of yourself, mind, body, and spirit. Um and um take your take your um your time off work. Because a lot of you know, people, you know, they they die before they retire, they die right after retirement. Take your time off work, live. Um and self-care. It's really you know, what's what life's about. It makes me realize like living while you're here on earth, while you're blessed to be on earth, do all the things. I say do it all. Yeah, definitely.

Chance (Host) 25:36

Yeah, absolutely. Take the cape off. Lead with life, love up on the people who love up on you. I came into this conversation carrying my own history, my own family silence around all of this. I am leaving it with something I did not expect. Permission. Permission to plan, permission to grieve out loud, permission to set the cape down, even for a little while. For the person listening who has been holding everyone else together, this is your safe place too. You can put it down here. I'm Chance, this has been To No Ends, presented by Chesapeake Health Partners with Hospice of the Chesapeake as a proud partner. Thank you for gifting us your attention. We will see you next time.